Frozen: Top 10 Reasons I’m Over it

Disney’s Frozen, which has grossed over $1.2 billion dollars worldwide, decisively proved that millions of mothers worldwide can be cajoled into shelling out fistfuls of dollars to satisfy their daughter’s insatiable appetite for princess-themed entertainment.  This is a well Disney has been going to for decades — our entire lives, ladies — and we keep lining up to hand them our purses.  Don’t worry, the next goddess in Disney’s princess pantheon won’t hit the big screen until 2018, and you know what that means: they’ve got 4 more years to squeeze all the blood from the Frozen turnip.   I honestly don’t know how we’re going to survive it, because we’re nine months in and I would rather pluck every last one of my nose hairs than watch this movie ever again. Continue reading

Why Frozen is causing my daughters to throw-down in fisticuffs …

Charming and cute the first twenty times I watched it, Disney’s highest grossing animated film of all time has officially worn out its welcome in my home. Frozen has transformed my innocent, tone deaf little girls into hip-swaying, mane-stroking, crotch-high-slit wearing pageant princesses and I am officially one Let It Go rendition away from the booby hatch. Continue reading

Oh My Gourd!

At the end of kindergarten last year, my oldest daughter Anna (known around here as Anna Banana, or “AB”) brought home a biology project: a little plastic cup half-full of dirt with a few tiny leaves poking through.  She told me she had planted a pumpkin seed and – to my shock and dismay – the damn thing had actually started to show signs of life.  I dismissively told her we could plant it in our garden, fully expecting it to perish.  When planting day finally arrived, AB lovingly transferred her little seedling to the far corner of the garden where it wouldn’t interfere with the real vegetables.

I had no idea that a pumpkin vine is quite a commitment. Continue reading

It’s what’s for dinner …

Dinner time is a daily 30-minute window when I am compelled to straight-up punch my kids in the face.  If only they knew the effort I put into meals, they would never sit at my table and frown, gag, whimper or otherwise bitch ($0.25) about my food, because my food is fucking ($0.25) delicious.  I’m not serving them tripe soup or calf’s liver, people.  I watch The Food Network, like, twenty-four-seven and I’m bringing that magic right back to my kitchen. Every. Damn. Night. Continue reading

My analysis of urinalysis …

It didn’t take me long to figure out that pee and poop are a pretty big part of parenthood … at least early on.  Changing diapers is just a part of my day and that’s okay … until it isn’t.  At some point, these b-holes are going to have to stop pissing ($0.25) their pants. Continue reading